


they say the devil you know is better than the one you don't, but sometimes both devils are you and what are you supposed to do then, huh?

by parangari



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, I love the Yorozuya with my WHOLE heart and want these three idiots to be together forever, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:20:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25545799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parangari/pseuds/parangari
Summary: You don’t tell Gin-chan and Shinpachi the reason why you’re always a bit quieter on rainy days. You don’t tell them why in the beginning, after you first moved in, your muscles tensed whenever you heard the door slide open as one of them left and you’d think to yourself that maybe this time it would be for good. You don’t tell them how you pull every punch, how you stop every kick just short of plowing through your target’s body, how you’re painfully aware that if you slackened your hold on your killing instinct just a bit, you’d lose yourself in your own bloodlust. You don’t tell them how there’s a part of you that longs for the next real threat so you can finally, finally stop holding yourself back.You don’t tell them, but you think they know, anyway.
Relationships: Kagura & Sakata Gintoki, Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, Kagura & Shimura Shinpachi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	they say the devil you know is better than the one you don't, but sometimes both devils are you and what are you supposed to do then, huh?

You’d never talked much about your family history with Gin-chan and Shinpachi. It wasn’t that you had anything to hide, really, the subject just tended not to come up. And Gin-chan was cagey about his own past, so you hadn’t seen any particular reason to divulge your own. “You brats have to reach a level twelve friendship with Gin-chan before he tells you his tragic backstory,” Gintoki had declared one day after Shinpachi worked up enough courage to ask.

“Boss! What level are we at now?” you’d said.

“Currently Shinpachi-kun is at level eight and you’re at level nine because you brought me that pudding yesterday.”

“She didn’t even buy that pudding, though,” Shinpachi had protested. “She just got it from the fridge.”

“Yes, but the fridge was extremely far away. So Kagura-chan’s ahead! Congratulations, Kagura-chan, our bond grows stronger with every snack you give to me,” Gin-chan had proclaimed, clapping his hands lazily.

“Yahoo!”

“This seems like a very arbitrary ranking system,” Shinpachi had muttered.

So you were quite often sidetracked.

Plus there was that one time you accidentally mentioned offhand to Shinpachi that you’d always wanted a real older brother, one who wouldn’t try to kill you and your family and then leave without any warning.

“Although I would’ve also asked for one with better eyesight if I’d known I was actually going to get one, uh-huh,” you’d said.

Shinpachi had made a choked little noise in the back of his throat and proceeded to cry on your shoulder for four whole minutes. He’d gotten a ton of snot on your duangua (“Oi, this one leaks, too! Don’t tell me I gotta upgrade to a newer model of Shinpachi!”), but he gave you an extra five servings of rice for dinner so you’d forgiven him. You suppose that time had ended up alright, though you avoid the topic now out of concern for the cleanliness of your clothing.

You don’t tell Gin-chan and Shinpachi the reason why you’re always a bit quieter on rainy days. You don’t tell them why in the beginning, after you first moved in, your muscles tensed whenever you heard the door slide open as one of them left and you’d think to yourself that maybe this time it would be for good. You don’t tell them how you pull every punch, how you stop every kick just short of plowing through your target’s body, how you’re painfully aware that if you slackened your hold on your killing instinct just a bit, you’d lose yourself in your own bloodlust. You don’t tell them how there’s a part of you that longs for the next real threat so you can finally, finally stop holding yourself back.

You don’t tell them, but you think they know, anyway.

“Isn’t that sick, to want to be able to kill mindlessly? What kind of monster am I?” you say to the mirror sometimes in the morning, rehearsing a conversation in your head between everyone you know. And because you’ve rehearsed it at least a dozen times, you already know how it plays out. 

“One who needs to come home. One who must be protected,” make-believe Papi says.

“A pretty disgusting one, if you ask me. One who needs to blow her nose more,” the make-believe sadist says.

“Now, now, you’re not a monster at all, Kagura-chan!” make-believe Anego says. “You’re a perfectly normal girl with a healthy aptitude for violence.”

“The kind that steals Gin-chan’s strawberry milk and has the audacity to lie about it when he can smell the sweetness on your breath, that’s what,” real-life Gintoki drawls as he reaches around you to grab the toothpaste, ignoring your yelp of surprise and blocking the punch you throw at him. 

“Don’t interrupt my angsty internal dialogue, you bastard!” you scowl, hoping it’ll cover up your blush of embarrassment. “Fanfiction readers are drawn to the genre element that a series lacks the most, uh-huh! You’ll drive away the author’s audience with your overused jokes!”

He’s brushing his teeth now, but he yells at you around his toothbrush anyway. “Shut up! Gintama fans appreciate the same joke even if they’ve heard it a hundred times, otherwise they wouldn’t still be watching the series!”

It’s comforting how effortlessly the two of you fall into your routine, trading insults as easily as you might exchange blows on a battlefield. You wash your hands for the sole purpose of wiping them on the sleeve of his yukata and he gargles his mouthwash with such vigor that droplets fall on your face and you bicker throughout it all and everything is right with the world. It’s comforting, and you almost forget what you started arguing about in the first place. 

You wish Gintoki a terrible day, and he tells you he hopes you choke on the tamagoyaki Anego sent over last week. On his way out the front door, he pauses, his back turned. “Oi, Kagura. You’ve got a superhuman will to keep your superhuman strength in check, right? And Shinpachi and me, we’re two superhuman idiots who’ll cuff you on the head and bring you back from whatever hell you find yourself in. It makes no difference to me whether someone dragged you there or whether you jumped in yourself-- So I wouldn’t worry about being a monster or anything like that.”

His hand lingers on the shoji screen, and for a moment you think he’s going to face you.

“We’ll always be here for you,” he says with a softness you’ve never heard in his voice before.

And he leaves. You’re grateful that he doesn’t turn around, because there’s no way you could hide the tears running down your face.

**Author's Note:**

> I have loved Gintama for six whole years now and I've never tried writing fanfic for it, which has been a dreadful mistake on my part. Nobody told me it'd be this CATHARTIC I get it now


End file.
